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How to Win friends and influence people Audiobook summary Dale Carnegie

How to Win Friends and Influence People | Book Summary and PDF Download

Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People has been an inspiration for many of those who are now famous and successful. Millions of people around the world have improved their lives based on the teachings in this phenomenal bestseller, which has sold over 15 million copies worldwide.

In this book, Dale Carnegie offers practical and proven advice on how to deal with people and get along well with them to make life more rewarding. He illustrates his points with anecdotes of historical figures, leaders of the business world, and everyday folks.

In the How to Win Friends and Influence People PDF Summary you will learn:

How to be a good conversationalist
The deepest principle in human nature
An effective technique to influence others
A working approach to arguments
The right way to handle complaints
9 principles to apply if you want to be an effective leader

How This Book Changed Me:

When I got my first job out of graduate school in engineering, I wanted to impress everyone. I longed to rise up the ladder. I wanted to be the smartest person in the room and to be liked by everyone.

And what did I do? I would talk all the time.

I remember a meeting with my director, VPs, and other engineers. My director said something which I thought was wrong and I pointed it out.

At that moment, I thought that I had proved how smart I was, but I was wrong. Instead what I proved was that I had no skills in handling people.

During lunch breaks or off hours or even during times we had together, I would also talk on and on about my interests, the things I do in life, and how amazing my life was. I was only interested in what I was doing because I wanted to show to them that I was smart. I was trying so hard to prove that I was worthy, that I belonged there, that they should promote me, that they should like me.

A turning point

And what happened? A year and a half later I got laid off, and I thought, "Well, these guys have no idea what they missed out on. They have no idea how smart and intelligent I am…" It was so disappointing.

Then a friend of mine handed me the book How to Win Friends and Influence People , and it revolutionized my life. Until that point, I did not realize that everything I was doing in terms of human relationships was wrong. Everything was the exact opposite of what I should have been doing.

The paradoxical truth of how to win friends and to get people to like us is that we have to like them in order to have them like us. It's much more effective because when we like them, they like us.

Can you really like someone talking all the time or being interested only in himself or always proving how important he is? No.

Here are important strategies from the book on how to be liked by others and how to win their friendship.

KEY POINTS

1) Become Genuinely Interested in Others

2 friends enjoying a conversation

"You will make more friends in two months by being interested in other people than in two years by trying to make people interested in you."

The fundamental truth is that people are interested in themselves.

If only I had the understanding that I needed to talk to my colleagues about their interests and about their lives, I could have had more friends.

2) Be a Good Listener

man listening intently to someone talking

There is a reason why we have 2 ears and 1 mouth. We have to be good listeners and to encourage others to talk about themselves.

If you aspire to be a good conversationalist —

Be a great listener.
Give the gift of your full attention.
Encourage them to talk about their accomplishments, their well-being, and the things that they enjoy.
You have to listen because people are so much more interested in themselves and in what they're talking about than what you have to talk about.

People will think of you as a great conversationalist if you are a great listener.

The funny, paradoxical thing is that when we think of a conversationalist, we usually think of someone who can converse and talk, but it's the opposite that is true: it's someone who can listen, can ask questions, and just lets the other person talk.

3) Talk in Terms of Their Interest, Not Yours

Talking in terms of the other person's interests is the royal road to a person's heart. Talk about their family, their health, their relationships, whatever it is about themselves that they like talking about.

This gets them to like you, but aside from that you get to learn something new. You get to see the world from their eyes. You get to learn what they had learned.

4) Make the Other Person Feel Important and Do It Sincerely

This is probably the one truth that I've completely missed out on when I was in my job constantly trying to prove how good, smart, and important I was. I was doing the exact wrong thing.

As William James said:

"The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated."

We all crave to feel important and worthy. When we take this away from other people, we cannot get them to like us.

We all want to be appreciated. When we show appreciation to others, they appreciate us as well. When they feel like they're important to us, they will start to feel that we are also important to them.

Benjamin Disraeli's story

An interesting example of this idea from the book is from the life of the legendary UK Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli when he was running for election.

A lady went for dinner with the man who was running against Disraeli in the elections. She said, "When I got done with dinner, I felt like I was in the company of one of the smartest men in the world. That gentleman was so smart and he definitely deserves to run for the prime minister of the UK."

A few days later she went for dinner with Benjamin Disraeli, and here's what she said: "When I went for dinner with Benjamin Disraeli, I felt like I was the smartest person in the world, and that is why I will vote for Benjamin Disraeli."

This is the key.

Benjamin Disraeli made her feel important.
Talked to her about herself
Let her talk about her interests and passions
Let her express that she was important, and that's when she knew that he was important to him too

5) Arouse in Them an Eager Want

All of us have something that we want to get. It's why we do the things that we do. However, it's not all the time that people get what they want.

This gives us a good opportunity to increase our influence by helping others get what they want.

"He who can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walks a lonely way."

Start by finding out what they want to accomplish. See from their perspective and then from your own so that you'll understand them better and you'll know what drives them.

Discuss with them what they want and then guide them towards it. If you can show them that you have solutions or ways to what they want, that's when they buy or build a connection with you.

How my dad gave up his addiction to sweets and desserts

For the last 10 years I had been trying to get my dad to quit eating sweets and desserts. I kept on sharing with him various scientific research on why sugar and milk fat were dangerous. I tried to convince him that they could cause blood pressure, heart disease, and diabetes — but none of that worked on him.

But in one conversation, I said something that changed everything:

"Dad, don't you want to be healthy enough so that we can travel the world together? I know you want to go to Europe, and I want to do a road trip around the US with you."

In that moment, something really clicked in my dad. He then swore off all milk and cream desserts for the rest of his life. Now he just eats fruits for dessert.

Why did it all change? It's simply because the idea of traveling around the world always has inspired my dad. He loves going places, and when I said that we have to travel together, it all became very real for him. Suddenly he had an eager desire.

Henry Ford once said:

"If there's any one secret of success, it lies in your ability to get the other person's point of view and see things from their angle."

The only way we can get anyone to do anything is to give them what they want. So think really hard about what it is that the other person wants, then arouse that desire in them to influence them to your way of thinking.

6) Avoid Arguments

We all want to win arguments, however no one wins in such. Arguments only make the parties more defensive. As both want to win with what they have to say, the argument just goes on in circles. It can also lead to quarrels.

Even if you felt you won it, you still actually lose.

To settle arguments, don't engage in them. Rather —

Look for a common ground between you and them. See what you both can agree on.
Always listen first and get their point of view.
Maintain your level-headedness and your honesty.
Take the time to allow both of your sides to think through the problem.
If you want to go beyond that, thank your opponent. The fact that they disagreed with you means that they are interested in your subject.

Agree with people to dissolve their resistance

Back in the early days of 2000 Books, I'd get into heated arguments with potential customers as to why our summaries were better than our competitors'. However, it only led to them getting pushed away because they would keep on arguing their points. They would keep on digging into why they thought they were right.

But after applying this principle, I changed my ways. If the potential customer says they will buy a competitor's book summaries, I say: "Yes, that company has some really good stuff and they are made by good people."

I no longer get into an argument with them, and that's where their resistance ends. They can no longer keep on arguing about our competitor's summaries simply because I have agreed with them.

Now I can already talk about the specific features and unique benefits of 2000 Books products, and that often leads to the sale way more than me trying to argue as to why our products are better.

If you want to dissolve any resistance, avoid arguments. Don't resist people. The more you resist, the more they dig in. Instead, agree with them.

7) Respect Their Opinions

a smiley on a thums up gesture

When we show respect for others' opinions — even though they are not in agreement with ours — it becomes possible to earn their respect and to find a solution.

The use of foul language, hostile looks, high intonations, and rude gestures will only make the situation worse. We might end up losing the chance to keep our friendship or relationship.

The more we threaten them because of their views, the more they will want to strike back instead of warming up to us and considering a settlement.

8) Admit Your Mistakes

"Any fool can try to defend his or her mistakes — and most fools do — but it raises one above the herd and gives one a feeling of nobility and exultation to admit one's mistakes."

When you are wrong, admit it quickly. Doing this is especially applicable when you know that others are thinking that you are wrong and want to say it.

Listening to self-criticism than criticism from others is the easier path. This can make other people be more understanding, forgiving, and supportive. On the other hand, if you don't admit your fault, it's likely that they would be more critical, cynical, and closed-minded.

From now on, before things get worse and before you lose a relationship, practice admitting your mistakes and then be proactive moving forward.

9) Be a Friend

woman and man happily shaking hands

"A drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall." – Abraham Lincoln

In situations where we are meeting people for the first time, we are usually drawn to those who are approachable, welcoming, warm, and friendly. In contrast, we become reserved when we meet people who seem aloof and cold.

If we want others to respond to us the way we want to, we have to start by being friendly towards them. This kind of reciprocity and attraction is just the way human nature works; we sometimes just forget it when we get our guards and not open ourselves to others.

When we come off as a friend, we become better influencers.

10) Let Them Do a Lot of the Talking

Encountering complaints is normal in life, especially in business. The way to handle complaints is to let your customers do a lot of the talking. Let them air out everything they want to say. As they do this, listen well in order to understand and learn more about their problems. This will put you in a better position to offer a solution.

Your customers know more about their concerns than you do, so encourage them to express themselves. Ask them questions that would help clear out things. Keep your patience all throughout, with the end goal of getting the complaint settled effectively.

11) See Things from the Other Person's Point of View

This is one of the most difficult things to do.

The great Abraham Lincoln said:

"When I get ready to talk to people, I spend two-thirds of the time thinking about what they want to hear and one-third of the time thinking about what I want to hear."

In the book How to Turn People Into Gold, author Kenneth Goode suggests we take a moment to see how concerned we are with our own affairs and how little we care about other people's affairs.

What we'll realize is that everyone else outside is going through the exact same thing.

Our success with other people really depends on our grasp of their viewpoint. Every time we interact with someone, especially when we're about to ask for something, let's pause and ask ourselves: why would he or she want to do this?

12) Give Your Sympathy

To prevent arguments and hence get cooperation from others, avoid blaming them for anything.

If they come off to you as annoying, bigoted, or unreasonable, give them your sympathy instead. They will love you for that. They might even apologize.

Also, let the other party feel responsible for generating an idea. People have more faith in the suggestions that they themselves propose.

13) Ask Questions Instead of Giving Orders

Back when I was a president of a local Toastmasters Club in San Diego, I thought I could just give orders to my officers.

However, when I told my VP of membership that we needed to increase our members through a membership campaign next month, she did not really follow through on it properly. That campaign did not happen.

After reading this book, I realized my mistake, so I reframed the conversation. In one of our meetings with the officers, I said, "Our club needs new blood. We're running low on membership and I would just love to hear your ideas on how you think we can grow this club. Please share and please tell me what we can do."

The VP of membership came up with the idea of a free pizza lunch membership drive, and she actually executed it.

Why this principle works:

When you ask questions instead of giving orders —

The other person feels important.
It saves their pride.
They don't feel like they are your servants.
They cooperate because it is their idea.

People are much more likely to follow through on an order if they have a hand in the creation of it. Nobody likes to just keep taking orders. Everybody wants to feel empowered.

14) Give People a Fine Reputation to Live Up To

This is a great way to change others' behavior and attitude.

There were times in the Toastmasters Club that I headed when my VP for membership lacked leadership. She was looking for help from outside.

I wanted her to own it completely, so I told her, "I really like the fact that you're owning this campaign this time around. I like your leadership. I like it when you're getting things done even when it seems difficult, just like that email that you sent to the HR manager. That was wonderful."

After that conversation, she literally owned the membership campaign all the way as if she was 100% responsible. She made it all happen.

If you want to improve a certain trait in other people, make it appear as though they already have that trait.

William Shakespeare said it best:

"Assume a virtue if you have it not."

The same holds true for other people. When we assume that the other person has the virtue which we don't think they have right now, they will live up to the reputation that you give them to live up to.

Closing Notes

Always remember: in order to get people to like you, you must like them. That is the way forward.

If you would like to get access to 5 bonus ideas from this book, click right here . These ideas include:

How to get people to do what you want them to do
How to get people to like you
How to criticize people without ever making them feel that you are criticizing them
How to win people to your way of thinking
3 key leadership skills and how to develop them